Ten Ways Your Pets are Trying to Kill You

I’m pretty sure the animals I live with are trying to kill me. In fact, I believe I’ve uncovered a vast conspiracy unlike anything we’ve seen since Sea Monkeys.


Spoiler alert: Sea Monkeys cannot be trained and they do not frolic.

It seems like there are two strategies: the quick-action, one-step murder and the slowly, wear-me-down-over-time murder.

I’m not sure which one will work first. But when they succeed, don’t let them have the treats. The little jerks won’t deserve it.

Here are just some of the ways your pets are trying to murder you too:

1. Sleep Deprivation – it may be that this alone is not the strategy but it does make me slightly stupid and thus, less able to anticipate and foil their plans in general. I’m pretty sure this strategy is murder 101 for our animals because they all seem to be using this technique. First, they sleep copiously during the day so that at night, they are prepared to get to work. While I’m trying to sleep, they take a two-pronged approach with noise and discomfort. Some of the less subtle assassins will bark or meow right in your face when they see you drifting off to dreamland. The more sophisticated will just sigh loudly, purr loudly right in your ear, shake or scratch a lot so the tags on their collar jingle (a nice revenge for the collar, eh?) or even snore.

Murder plotting is exhausting!

The discomfort strategy is a good one in its simplicity and effectiveness. We can also call this the bed hog. Under the guise of “snuggling” the pet will mash themselves up against you, on your pillow, on your head, or even just on you and be so adorable that you don’t feel like you can move them. This is a great strategy because by the time you move them out of desperation, you have kinks in your back and neck and that alone will keep you awake. This is a particularly diabolical plan because they pass it off as love. The evil geniuses.

They’re organized and battle-ready.

2. Tripping – this is a risky one because it is not subtle but if done right, you never know what hit you. Stairs are a wonderful place to try to weave between your legs in mid step or push by you and knock you over. I’ve had my little cutthroats plant themselves behind me in the kitchen so when I step back, I trip over them backwards. This clearly took some advanced calculus or physics (or something else mathy) on their part as they figured out where we would need to be tripped to not have anything to grab and still hit our heads on the way down.

This is not cute. This is a calculated attempt to bring me down.

3. Poison – I’m pretty sure that when they are licking me, they are actually trying to administer a poison that they have built a resistance to over the years.

Lures me in and then, whamo! I’m sleeping with the fishes.

4. Vulnerability – you know when your dog or cat put their paw on your hand and it looks so adorable, you leave it? Big mistake! They are actually trying to occupy your hand so that you are defenseless when their assassin buddy shows up. Also, it could be the first move in a kitty/puppy round kick to the head. Never give them the opportunity to administer the first blow. You’ll never know what hit you.

I almost died this day.

5. Head Butting – have you ever leaned down to naively kiss your fur kid and the next thing you knew, they threw back their head and you had a fat lip or a bloody nose? Yeah, that was no accident. That was a Glasgow kiss and you just got served.

Terrible at surveillance.

6. Punched by a Paw – oh don’t they look adorable and excited to see us? Don’t we want to just bend down and give cuddles to our widdle furkids? You my friend…are dead. You just gave your pet the chance to get in a jab and possibly a left cross. Write your will up now because you don’t stand a chance here. Also, if you have let their nails grow then you might as well strap deadly talons on their paws and paint a target on your face. “Strip the flesh from my bones!” You probably deserve what you get.

The key is to hold very still to lure me close for the death-blow.

7. Suffocation – there is no subtlety here. Your face is not comfortable. By laying down on it, they have simply decided you are too stupid to even pretend they aren’t trying to kill you. Your pet disdains and despises you and isn’t even worried about keeping up the pretense.

Death wrapped in the guise of an adorable moppet.

8. Kisses – see Poison.

9. Fatigue – not to be confused with Sleep Deprivation. This is when your beloved pet requires non-stop scratches and pets. You may want to stop after a reasonable length of time but then they look at you sweetly or tap you to continue. They are using their cuteness to weaken you and you are falling for it! When your arms are limp noodles from servicing our furry overlords, they will bring the hammer down and attack. You can expect kitty karate or puppy power hits. Either way, you’re doomed. All you can do is hope the end is quick.

Attempted strangulation masked with adorableness. The ultimate evil.

10. Deadly Gas – this is an intricate technique that is applied via oral or anal methods. Your beloved pet positions themselves closely to you and either breathes a toxic gas or emits death farts. Either method of administration is highly effective. First you feel a little woozy, then you become paralyzed. Often the pet will simply position themselves on your face and finish you off with suffocation. This is a terrible way to go because you are aware of the heinous gas and its effects. Always sleep with an open window if you even HOPE to survive one of these attacks.

Locked and loaded.

So there you go. Don’t ever let your guard down and don’t ever fall for the cute. They are taught that in assassin school. You are just a hairless ape to them that never puts out enough food fast enough.

The next time you hear loud thumps from the room but can’t find anything amiss in the room, or you catch your furry friend staring at you from across the room, just know that they are always working out how to eliminate the barrier between them and the food or treat they want. And in case you have forgotten, YOU are that barrier. Your time is limited my friend.

Kitty in a bunker. Thank goodness they are notoriously bad bomb makers.

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4 Responses to Ten Ways Your Pets are Trying to Kill You

  1. Sue says:

    Scarlet Kitty looks like she’s plotting a world takeover.

  2. Jana says:

    Just in case you haven’t seen this one already, I’ll post it here. I find it hilariously accurate (although perhaps the dog is just PLAYING dumb in an attempt to get you to lower your guard!)

    Entries in a dog’s journal:
    8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:30 PM – ooooooo. bath. bummer.

    Entries in a cat’s journal:
    DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
    DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
    DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
    DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
    DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
    DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time……

    • LoveThisSpace says:

      I’m pretty sure this is accurate! My dogs’ thoughts might read a little simpler. “Oh boy! We’re walking down the hall!”

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