I’m pretty sure the animals I live with are trying to kill me. In fact, I believe I’ve uncovered a vast conspiracy unlike anything we’ve seen since Sea Monkeys.
It seems like there are two strategies: the quick-action, one-step murder and the slowly, wear-me-down-over-time murder.
I’m not sure which one will work first. But when they succeed, don’t let them have the treats. The little jerks won’t deserve it.
Here are just some of the ways your pets are trying to murder you too:
1. Sleep Deprivation – it may be that this alone is not the strategy but it does make me slightly stupid and thus, less able to anticipate and foil their plans in general. I’m pretty sure this strategy is murder 101 for our animals because they all seem to be using this technique. First, they sleep copiously during the day so that at night, they are prepared to get to work. While I’m trying to sleep, they take a two-pronged approach with noise and discomfort. Some of the less subtle assassins will bark or meow right in your face when they see you drifting off to dreamland. The more sophisticated will just sigh loudly, purr loudly right in your ear, shake or scratch a lot so the tags on their collar jingle (a nice revenge for the collar, eh?) or even snore.
The discomfort strategy is a good one in its simplicity and effectiveness. We can also call this the bed hog. Under the guise of “snuggling” the pet will mash themselves up against you, on your pillow, on your head, or even just on you and be so adorable that you don’t feel like you can move them. This is a great strategy because by the time you move them out of desperation, you have kinks in your back and neck and that alone will keep you awake. This is a particularly diabolical plan because they pass it off as love. The evil geniuses.
2. Tripping – this is a risky one because it is not subtle but if done right, you never know what hit you. Stairs are a wonderful place to try to weave between your legs in mid step or push by you and knock you over. I’ve had my little cutthroats plant themselves behind me in the kitchen so when I step back, I trip over them backwards. This clearly took some advanced calculus or physics (or something else mathy) on their part as they figured out where we would need to be tripped to not have anything to grab and still hit our heads on the way down.
3. Poison – I’m pretty sure that when they are licking me, they are actually trying to administer a poison that they have built a resistance to over the years.
4. Vulnerability – you know when your dog or cat put their paw on your hand and it looks so adorable, you leave it? Big mistake! They are actually trying to occupy your hand so that you are defenseless when their assassin buddy shows up. Also, it could be the first move in a kitty/puppy round kick to the head. Never give them the opportunity to administer the first blow. You’ll never know what hit you.
5. Head Butting – have you ever leaned down to naively kiss your fur kid and the next thing you knew, they threw back their head and you had a fat lip or a bloody nose? Yeah, that was no accident. That was a Glasgow kiss and you just got served.
6. Punched by a Paw – oh don’t they look adorable and excited to see us? Don’t we want to just bend down and give cuddles to our widdle furkids? You my friend…are dead. You just gave your pet the chance to get in a jab and possibly a left cross. Write your will up now because you don’t stand a chance here. Also, if you have let their nails grow then you might as well strap deadly talons on their paws and paint a target on your face. “Strip the flesh from my bones!” You probably deserve what you get.
7. Suffocation – there is no subtlety here. Your face is not comfortable. By laying down on it, they have simply decided you are too stupid to even pretend they aren’t trying to kill you. Your pet disdains and despises you and isn’t even worried about keeping up the pretense.
8. Kisses – see Poison.
9. Fatigue – not to be confused with Sleep Deprivation. This is when your beloved pet requires non-stop scratches and pets. You may want to stop after a reasonable length of time but then they look at you sweetly or tap you to continue. They are using their cuteness to weaken you and you are falling for it! When your arms are limp noodles from servicing our furry overlords, they will bring the hammer down and attack. You can expect kitty karate or puppy power hits. Either way, you’re doomed. All you can do is hope the end is quick.
10. Deadly Gas – this is an intricate technique that is applied via oral or anal methods. Your beloved pet positions themselves closely to you and either breathes a toxic gas or emits death farts. Either method of administration is highly effective. First you feel a little woozy, then you become paralyzed. Often the pet will simply position themselves on your face and finish you off with suffocation. This is a terrible way to go because you are aware of the heinous gas and its effects. Always sleep with an open window if you even HOPE to survive one of these attacks.
So there you go. Don’t ever let your guard down and don’t ever fall for the cute. They are taught that in assassin school. You are just a hairless ape to them that never puts out enough food fast enough.
The next time you hear loud thumps from the room but can’t find anything amiss in the room, or you catch your furry friend staring at you from across the room, just know that they are always working out how to eliminate the barrier between them and the food or treat they want. And in case you have forgotten, YOU are that barrier. Your time is limited my friend.