Surviving Snow

I can joke about this because I live in a mild climate that doesn’t get a lot of snow. So for those of you who actually have to think about stuff like frostbite and calorie intake due to extreme temperatures…geez man, come visit Oregon because our reaction to a little dusting of snow would make you LAUGH!

The Portland Metro area gets a day or two of snow every year. Regardless of how much actually sticks, everything closes down and the media begins its campaign of fear mongering that would inspire fear if it wasn’t so sad watching them stand in front of seven snowflakes and a dusting of snow that reveals the sidewalk the minute they try to scrape together a snowball.

We lovingly call it the Snowpocylpse.

I’ve reviewed my preparations for the Snowpocylpse and there is a chance I’m lacking. Let’s review:

They say have a week’s worth of food for your pets. Oscar does not think this is enough. He’s very worried there will be a kibble shortage and has begun writing good-bye letters to Frankie and the cat.

good-bye cruel world

I’ve had a hard time getting Scarlet Kitty’s attention regarding this situation. She’s been very busy with the cat toy I put up in the living room.

She might also be putting together an alternate emergency plan where we have to call her The Governor. Should I worry?

Frankie’s only preparation is that he has decided he shall not poop for the rest of the Winter. Not if it means touching that white stuff. He is OK with peeing up on the porch but draws the line at pooping up there so he’s just stopped the pooping all together.

Thanks dude.

Who wants to come to my house to hang out on my porch next summer?

My plan involves five cans of soup, forty pounds of smoked sausage, batteries that I’ve recklessly used up in candles for “atmosphere” and weeping over the Keurig machine that won’t work if the power goes out.

I’m doomed.

So I’m taking stock of my assets for bartering after the snow shuts down our polite society. This is what I have to offer:

Dog blankets – these babies are numerous, large, warm, and mostly clean because I try to wash them every once in a while weekly.

Jars of mustard – in some kind of twist I’m sure involves a lesser Dr. Who villain, every time I go to the grocery store, I forget I already have a jar of Dijon mustard and I buy a new one. I can only use so many of these with my smoked sausage so I’m willing to trade for a valuable asset. Like ketchup.

The Dr. Who villains, who are clearly The Yuppie Men, have also made me buy boutique salsa, Sriracha, aioli, artichoke hearts and olives. I’ll have the best hors d’oeuvres in the snowpocylpse.

Knitting magazines – I’m pretty sure these can be used for insulation and I’m also pretty sure that because they contain pictures of yarn and knitted items, they are warmer than your average magazine. That’s a scientific fact people.

Ah, one longs for the days when we had the luxury of knitting scarves big enough to break our necks

Tumblefur – also known as dust bunnies. These are excellent for insulation and everyone that made fun of my housekeeping before the snowpocylpse will be eating their words when society falls. It’s called foresight people.

Thanksgiving leftovers – they aren’t looking so great and may technically be past their expiration dates but I’m hoping no one will notice in the ensuing chaos.

Lands End catalogs – seriously Lands End. Three in one day? That just smacks of desperation.

You even beat LL Bean and Harry and David.

Dog toys – I know it seems mean to be offering up so much of the dogs’ worldly goods but let’s face it, they rule the house. Most everything here belongs to them so it is the only currency we have. Toys you can look forward to include Halloween-themed, slightly dirty, and missing ears and eyeballs. However, nothing squeaks anymore. Perhaps you count that as a plus?

Oddly enough, the cat offered to catalog the collection for you.

I’m not going to let the fact that in the few hours I’ve been writing this post (Don’t let it shock you that I actually spend that much time on these posts. I got hungry and had a snack in there somewhere), the snow has largely melted. I’m pretty sure that’s known as the quiet before the storm. Or the eye of the hurricane or something more applicable. Think of something clever and attribute it to me.

The dogs and I are going to board up the windows and have some soup and kibble. We’ll be here when you are ready to bargain.

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3 Responses to Surviving Snow

  1. Sue says:

    I must be simple. I am stuck on your mustard horde and Frankie’s predicament. Keep warm, both, no all of you!

  2. That was hilarious. We just got a couple of inches of snow, but I think you are still better prepared than I am! I definitely don’t have as much mustard, only 1 extra bottle, and not a single smoked sausage.

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