Proof I’m a Genius

When I was a kid, I thought Chlorophyll was the most beautiful name a girl could have. I was going to name my daughter Chlorophyll. This may be why no children emerged from my womb.

Once, as I was getting in a hammock, the hammock started to flip over (as hammocks do) and for some reason, rather than just put my arms out and easily break the very short fall, I tried to throw my arms behind my back to hold on to the hammock. I fell on the ground face first. I heard my Mom in the house laughing so hard she may have wet herself.

elephant in sea

I was registering for school and told my friend with me, in all seriousness, that the only French I knew was “Mare see buck ups” (that would be my pronunciation of merci boucoup). The woman behind the counter choked on her coffee.

It was the 70s and summer at the beach. I was there with a relative who was a few years older than me. She and her friend were teenagers and I was a tween so I hero-worshipped them. I was tagging along and pretty annoying I’m sure. They found a private spot and started rolling cigarettes. At least, that is what they told me they were rolling and I didn’t know any better. I was in my 30s before I realized what they were actually rolling. It hit me one day out of the blue. “Wait a minute…”

You know those spray hoses on the kitchen sink? I frequently go to grab it when it is facing the wrong way which means I just spray myself. I’ve done this more times than I’m willing to admit even here.

photo courtesy of philly.com

photo courtesy of philly.com

I often forget to put my coffee cup in the Keurig machine when I turn it on. I have my cup next to the machine but I’m way too familiar with how it sounds when the water is just running all over the counter.

I was on a river in an inflatable boat. (in street clothes, not a swim suit) We had rowed over to a waterfall. I managed to get out of the boat to stand on a rock near the waterfall (it was a tiny waterfall). To keep the boat from floating away, I put my foot on the side of the boat to anchor it. Instead, the boat started to move away but now I had one foot on the boat and one foot on the rock and couldn’t shift one way or another. Unlike JCVD, I slowly stood there with the boat moving further away until I finally dropped into the river. I could hear my Mom laughing from up on the balcony that overlooked the river and waterfall as I swam to the boat. I’m seeing a pattern here.

jcvd

My brother and I were tasked with getting the family Christmas tree. We picked out a lovely, large tree that was very fresh. So fresh and green that we struggled cutting off the end to put in the holder. The hand saw just wouldn’t go through it properly. We kept trying and getting chunks or terribly crooked results. By the time we finally got a proper bottom for the holder, the tree was about half the height it had started. We had to put it on a table that year. We were never asked to get the tree again.

Christmas-Tree-Dogs-Small

Do you need more proof? Right, I’ll be expecting my Nobel Prize next year, thank you.

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One Response to Proof I’m a Genius

  1. Oh my gosh, those cracked me up!! Thanks for a good laugh!

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