Poltergeist Keys or, Forever Scarred

At work I have one of those laptop docks that lock. Work requires me to lock it and take the key. I always put my key in the same pocket. I’m absolutely anal about this because they give you little “tickets” here if they catch a security breach like the key in the dock and I know if I lose that key I’ll have to spend the night at work. Not really but I’d have to admit to someone I’m a dumb ass and my life’s mission is to admit that to as few people as possible. I think it is a pretty noble goal.

Seriously, this is me trying not to be a dumb ass.

So I dock my laptop and put the key in my pocket. A few hours later I realize my car keys are still in my pocket, I take them out and put them in my purse. Remembering the dock key, I want to make sure I haven’t accidentally removed it from my pocket with the car keys. I check my pocket and, sure enough, no dock key. No problem, I just grabbed it with the car keys and it is in my purse. I grab my purse, pull out the car keys and look. No dock key. I start searching my purse thinking the dock key might have dropped into another pocket or part of the purse. No dock key. Now I’m checking all pockets, the floor, the desk, the purse again, everywhere. I’m looking everywhere and can’t find the dock key. I stand up and move around to see if I’m sitting on it, etc. No dock key.

I have no idea where this thing could have gone. I decide to go to the bathroom to check all my clothing. I go in the stall, check my pants waist band, my torso, etc. Nothing. At this point I figure going the bathroom isn’t a bad idea and will give me time to think. I take the seat cover that ensures my fanny will not touch any area anyone else’s fanny has touched. I place it on the seat. As I place the seat cover on the seat the dock key drops out of my right sleeve and into the toilet. I freeze.

I’m hoping that what just happened did not just happen. I’m also listening to the other person in the bathroom hoping they did not just hear that and instinctively know I just dropped something into the toilet. Because, ew, gross!

“What the hell?” I’ve checked everywhere and it was in my SLEEVE? The whole time? The pocket I keep my key isn’t even on my right side so my friggin right sleeve never even went into my friggin pocket that held the dock key. Only I didn’t say friggin.

I just stood in that stall for a few minutes thinking. Would they give me a new key? How many people would I have to admit this to, to get a new key? Will anything else drop off my person? I finally yank my sleeves way up and just suck it up and stick my hand in the toilet to get the key. Which is, of course, way far into the toilet. I take the key and my cootie-ridden hand and wash everything like crazy. I hold the key all the way back to my desk because, clearly, I can’t trust my pockets anymore.

I never did figure out how a key in my left pocket could have gotten into my right sleeve. I’m just grateful it fell into the toilet BEFORE I peed. We’re also going to pretend that toilet was pristine. OK?

Wanna shake my hand?


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4 Responses to Poltergeist Keys or, Forever Scarred

  1. Sue says:

    Did you take a bleach bath at home? Yikes! Are you ever going to eat with your hands again?!?

  2. RageMichelle says:

    I couldn’t find me key fob to get in the building this morning…could you check your sleeve?

    If it falls into the toilet, though..I’ll just go ahead and quit this job.

    I dropped my cell phone in the toilet once if that makes you feel any better.

    • LoveThisSpace says:

      The cell phone would be infinately worse. I have checked my sleeve and it seems to be clear. I’ll check my fridge too, just in case.

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