If we are to believe what television tells us (and who wouldn’t?) there are a few things we have to understand:
Old people are funny. Being old means you jig amusingly and mimic popular culture hilariously. Or it means you are laying on the floor and can’t get up. Which kind of sucks. Either way, you’re making a statement by being old. You don’t do anything you did when you are young.
Women should be buying new clothes every single day. One day for us, the next day for him. That’s really what being a woman is all about. Not only buying new clothes all the time but wearing half of them all at once. Also, every occasion requires an entirely new outfit. Gone are the days where we thought we could have “a dress up outfit.” Please! You are required to immediately throw away clothes once you’ve worn them. Wearing the same outfit twice is so gobsmacking, the papers will report it, as poor Kate found out this week. If only she had been able to read this informative blog first.
If you wear perfume, the world will move in slow motion. Always. Also, the lighting around you gets really flattering. It’s very handy except it kind of doesn’t matter because you only have body parts now.
Technology can raise your kids! Have a kid that needs to make a speech at work? He can google everything he needs to know because, you know, information on the internet is totally reliable and you can trust its accuracy. Have a niece visiting and you really don’t want the bother of setting boundaries for her? Don’t worry, your technology will kick her off so you don’t have to say anything. Let me tell you, technology is great when you want to avoid interacting with your kids. It’s so much better if you can just build a wall of technology between you and your child.
A lot of us are getting cars for Christmas. This is pretty handy because my car is 10 years old this year. (I guess someone forgot last year. Try to coordinate better guys) I hope someone remembers the big bow and that I don’t get two of the same cars! That would just be awkward.
Eating breakfast cereal will make you the same size as your teenage daughter. I’m going to assume this is implying that we will be the same size we were in high school ourselves. This is going to be interesting for me because I was about 4 inches shorter in high school than I am now so fitting in my high school jeans is going to be awesome! I have the breakfast cereal so I should probably just go ahead and order the jeans now so I can run around the neighborhood and show them off to people, right? Does it have to be the breakfast cereal they advertise or can it be Frosted Flakes because I really like those.
I’ve been cleaning, decorating, and fixing up my house all wrong. I sweat and get grubby whenever I do hard work but TV shows me that, in actuality, I should look polished and just step back to admire my work when I’m done. It’s practically fun!
I’m still trying to understand the last lesson. When you want to be with the one you love, you must both sit in separate bathtubs. This is how you are intimate. It’s handy that the bathtubs pop up where ever you need them. Especially if you would rather sit in a bathtub than swim in that gorgeous ocean.
I might have to think about this one some more.