In Memorium

I’d like to take a moment to reflect on some old friends that, due to the kitchen renovation, are gone forever…

Tiles of Death – Tiles, you were innocuous enough in your bland, pale pink existence, but you had a special quality of being more slippery than a slippery thing under slippery circumstances. The slightest bit of water was enough to take anyone down. When the clean-up crew came after the Great Washer Flood of ’13, I warned the crew leader of this. He smiled indulgently as if it was adorable that I would be concerned about their safety. Less than an hour later I heard him cautioning everyone on site about the floor. I’m guessing he almost learned the hard way that I was not exaggerating. Good bye tile floor, I never liked you much anyway.

I was only sorry I didn’t get to break them up with a sledge-hammer myself.

1977 Time Capsule Linoleum – I didn’t get to spend much time with you myself. Well, I guess technically, I lived with you this whole time but I didn’t know you until you emerged from under the Tiles of Death. I gasped when I first saw you and you were only out in the open for 24 hours but that was enough. 24 hours was enough my friend to be scarred forever by your flower-goodness. I was very impressed how you withstood the ravages of time and am worried you might be some kind of vampire linoleum since I suspect you looked exactly the same when you were first installed in 1978. I have smudged the house to ward you off further and hope you aren’t, right now, growing back under the new flooring.

It didn’t sparkle in the sunlight but I suspect that isn’t the only characteristic of vampires.

1970s Soffit – I’d call you the slacker of the kitchen since you performed no actual function but that seems unfair as you did hold the cabinets since the house was built. It isn’t your fault the builders thought building random boxes from the ceiling was somehow a valuable addition to a room. My favorite section of the soffit was the section that had the cabinets removed some time ago but no one thought to remove it so there was this, curb, or half-hearted ceiling barrier left up. Maybe it is just me since my contractor seemed genuinely surprised I would want to get rid of it. Farewell soffit.


After all, why would someone want a smooth ceiling and larger cabinets?

Floor Moulding Backsplash – Someone had a vision that you were just what the kitchen needed for a fashion finish. In fairness, they were probably replacing a 4″ laminate backsplash with metal trim so the floor moulding might have looked like a genuine step up. We’ll just ignore the fact that as floor moulding, you were made of material that¬†absorbed water and swelled while the old laminate would have at least withstood the water splashes. But tomato, tomahto; everyone has a different opinion of what a backsplash should do. I think your best quality, the quality I will miss the most, is the slap/dash installation. The gaps that no one even tried to hide by putting them down at the end of the counter instead of front and center next to the sink were really the cherry on the sundae that made you so special.

No one will notice

My Towels – My beloved towels, I didn’t know you would become a victim of a kitchen renovation when this project started. It seems unfair since you only came into this project to soak up the water that caused this whole goat rodeo. One of the services the clean up crew offered was to wash everything that got wet in the accident. This was very helpful since I was now without a washing machine. However, they returned you to me in a garbage bag. I should have emptied it immediately and put you in the linen closet but there was a lot going on at the time, including a garage clean out. That’s why, somewhere along the line, I threw away the garbage bag and thusly, all of you. You towels, are greatly missed by your three compatriot towels, the only ones left in the house because they were on the towel racks, and by me. You will always be missed by me.

The last known picture of the towels.

The Old Kitchen – I complained about it a lot. I talked smack and had plans for getting it into shape. In the end, when I got what I was wishing for, I find myself a little sad to see the old kitchen go. It was a good kitchen that got the job done. I hosted my first family Thanksgiving from that kitchen. I made many dinners for friends in that kitchen and made many presents for holidays there. It often smelled both bad and good but I think I have to own that since the smells were due to either my lack of house work or some delicious crockpot meal I was making. I may have the glamorous kitchen I wanted now, but I do look at the old pictures and experience strangely wistful emotions ranging from “dang, it would be so nice to have a kitchen again” to “it was an outdated kitchen that still got the job done well.” Good bye old kitchen. I will miss the fact that any criticism someone has of my kitchen now rests entirely on my shoulders. It was nice when I could blame someone else.

Everyone was always at ease hanging out in here and grabbing their own beer from the fridge.


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