Watching the crazy Black Friday shenanigans confused me. I don’t understand being that invested in a thing. A toy. An item to dust. A few hours of entertainment is great, but I’m not willing to do things like fight, wait in line, or find a parking space, for them.
This made me think about what actually would be valuable to me. What would be worth fighting for? Here are my suggestions for holiday gifts this year.
Telekinesis – Some people probably have grand plans for this power but I’ve never been able to get past how lovely it would be to be able to hang the Christmas lights from a lawn chair or take the garbage out the morning of garbage day when you hear the truck and realize you forgot. And want to stay in bed.
A Do-Over – I don’t care how it’s done. A quick ride in the TARDIS or a remote control, it would be really handy to be able to do a moment over again. Maybe next time I won’t ask a pot head to the school dance so he can’t stand me up, maybe next time I’ll buy the picture I suspect is a Picasso original sketch and that costs $35 (it was and it did), maybe next time I’ll save my Master’s thesis a skootch sooner on a disk so when the laptop dies right before I have to stand up and defend it, I can calmly go to work and print it out from there.
A Bend-To-My-Will Spray – Sometimes I just deserve my way and convincing people is hard work. When this happens, sometimes I just want to speed things up a little. This should work over the phone too so when I have an idiot on the phone, I can simply spritz the phone and I win.
Adorable Woodland Creatures that Clean my House and Sew Clothes – Let’s face it, this is handy on so many levels, it doesn’t need a lot of explanation. The adorable woodland creatures are just more fun to watch than a maid or butler. It would also be nice to have someone take care of those things that have been lingering in the sewing basket for
years a long time.
That Time Necklace Thingy Hermoine Had in Harry Potter – So she could be in multiple classes at the same time. That would be really handy if I could go to work, then do over the day (or even a few hours) to get chores done, and then a few hours over again to run errands and make calls while businesses are open, etc. I wouldn’t want to go as far as cloning myself because I don’t like want to share my bed or the Diet Pepsi. But having time over to do everything I need to do would be really handy.
Bulls**t Detector – To protect delicate sensibilities, I didn’t write out the word. But you should understand, this is different from a lie detector. First of all, some people can be sort of telling the truth but still be full of it and they let you believe things when, actually, reality is going to be very different. For example, that project that someone made sound really fun can actually be fun, but your role in the project is going to totally suck. It would be nice to get a proper heads up when that train is heading your way.
All of these seem so much more helpful and more worthy of the effort other people are putting into getting Rachel Ray cookware. I’m not sure what aisle any of them are found in Walmart though.