As an adult, you learn pretty quickly that things don’t always end up the way you envisioned. I can say this with authority because at some point in my past, I was pretty sure I was going to marry John Taylor from Duran Duran and the guy never even bothered to meet me. Seriously.
Everyone is always talking about working out and being fit like that is something you should strive for. “You’ll look better if you work out.” Blah blah blah. I work out and find it makes me limp, groan when I stand up or stretch, and I have been so sore I quietly wept whenever I sneezed. Yeah. Working out makes you look AWESOME.
Cosmetics. I’m pretty sure that the commercials have promised me I’d look like a 15 year-old supermodel who doesn’t actually need the cosmetic. They certainly promised me fuller lips, smooth, flawless skin, larger cat eyes, and cheekbones. My face has not changed. Cosmetics just paint it a little.
Perfumes. Have you ever noticed everyone in perfume commercials move in slow motion? That never happens when I wear perfume. I just usually sneeze and the scent fades after a few hours. Not a single smoldering look or slow-mo hair flip.
I swallowed chewing gum and my doctor has never told me that it was still in my stomach. I’ve also swallowed watermelon seeds and not a single melon grew. My face didn’t freeze that way, I didn’t get a mustache from eating bologna, and my hair did not grow back thicker after shaving it. My eyes did go bad but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that might be due to genetics more than sitting too close to the TV.
So many promises, so many fails. It’s a miracle that I have remained such a positive person.