This is how the beauty professionals have interpreted my request, “I don’t want to look matronly:”
Jersey Shore smokey eyes (these were also after I told them I don’t like to look like I’m wearing a lot of makeup)
Poodle hair (Couldn’t have looked more matronly if I tried)
Hippy hair (because there is nothing matronly about aging hippies)
The old ladiest of old lady bras. It was practically a halter top there was so much material going on. I’d have to wear turtlenecks all the time to cover it up.
Ugly, flesh-colored clogs. I don’t wear heels anymore and to some people, that means you’ve just given up. These clogs were so ugly, I think their name-brand might have actually been “Matronly.”
A completely matronly bathing suit. What makes a bathing suit matronly? They have these foam chest things. They can’t be for breasts because they are so gigantic and shaped funny that I think they might actually be for your elbows. It is the only thing that makes sense.
No one has brought me a kaftan yet. Well, someone actually has but it wasn’t a beauty professional. It was a family member so I can’t share it here.
I maintain my fight for the little scraps of coolness that I can find. Well, maybe cool is an exaggeration. I’m just going for “not matronly.”